Best Football Jokes

As supporters of *insert latest club in crisis* know only too well, football and humour go hand-in-hand. Here, we take a look at some of the best football jokes around.

It’s a situation we’re all very familiar with. You’re in the pub with friends. The game showing on the big screen is ebbing away to a goalless draw. You’ve checked the live betting markets and bought a third packet of crisps. Boredom is setting in fast.

Earlier, the banter was flying. Now Gary is telling everyone about his new conservatory again. He pauses. There is an opportunity to intervene.

In this moment why not throw out one of the following football-related zingers? Because anything is better than hearing about those bifold doors for the umpteenth time.

Funniest Football Jokes

• What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle United fan rolling down a hill!
• I was wondering why the football kept getting bigger and bigger… And then it hit me!
• What did the referee say to the South American footballer who lied about deliberately handling the ball at the World Cup? I don’t Bolivia!
• Why was the best footballer on the planet asked to tidy his room? Because he was Messi.
• My wife said I’m addicted to football stadiums and that she’s going to divorce me. I said, ‘On what grounds?’
• What do you call a footballer who brings a length of rope onto the football pitch? The skipper.
• What is the best place in America to shop for a new soccer kit? New Jersey!
• My brother plays football for a team called the Musketeers. They’ve started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all.
• Who scored the most soccer goals in the Greek Mythology League? The centaur forward!
• What is the chilliest ground in the Premier League? Cold Trafford.
• What runs along the edge of the pitch but never moves? The sideline.
• What do you call someone who stands inside the goalposts and stops the ball from rolling away? Annette.
• How did the football pitch get wet? The players dribbled all over it!
• Why was the chicken sent off? For persistent fowl play.
• What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship!
• What do you call a Frenchman playing on a Nintendo Console? Thierry on Wii.

Cruel Football Jokes

• How many Everton fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – they’re quite happy living in the shadows.
• What’s the difference between Leeds United and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup for longer.
• What does a West Ham United fan do after winning the Premier League? Turn off the Xbox.
• I was playing Football Manager when I was offered the Newcastle job out of the blue. I knew it was a poor squad so I declined the offer. Then, I put the phone down and went back to playing Football Manager!
• My mate left two Manchester United tickets on his car dashboard the other day. Someone smashed the window and left a couple more!
• What’s the difference between the Invisible Man and Fulham? You’ve got more chance of seeing the Invisible Man at a cup final.
• Have you heard about the new Tottenham bra? It has a lot of support but no cups.
• What do you call a person from Wales in the FIFA World Cup final? The referee.

One Liners

• I didn’t do very well in my football teamwork exam… I didn’t pass!
• Bayern boss Vincent Kompany must have hurt his leg. He is always relying on a Kane.
• My partner just ended our relationship because of my obsession with football. I’m quite sad about it – we’d been dating for three seasons.
• My dad was renowned for ‘thinking outside of the box’. Great guy, but a terrible goalkeeper.
• Playing football is addictive and I want to stop but I just can’t seem to kick the habit.
• My girlfriend is the star goalie of her local football team… she’s a keeper.
• A wife says to her husband: “Choose, it’s either me or football.” The husband responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think.”
• Why did the football betting expert bring a ladder to the game? He heard the odds were stacked against him.

Footballer Jokes

• Who is the slipperiest footballer on the planet? Antoine Grease-man.
• My laptop has the Robert Sanchez virus – it can’t save anything!
• Which player uses a fridge wisely? Ben Chilwell.
• Which striker comes from a funny country? Erling Ha-Ha-Land
• Which defender takes a long time to fall? Jurrien Timberrrrr!
• Jack Grealish goes to the doctor and says, “It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee”. The doctors says, “You’ve broken your finger.”
• Why isn’t Ange Postecoglou allowed to keep a dog? Because he can’t keep hold of a lead.
• Who is the most self-obsessed Premier League player? Ben Mee.

Football Jokes For Dads

• Which football team loves ice cream? Aston Vanilla!
• What’s a goalkeeper’s favourite snack? Beans on post.
• Where do Jedi play football? On the force field!
• Why didn’t the dog want to play football? Because he was a boxer.
• What did the soccer coach do when the pitch became flooded? He sent on his subs.
• Which soccer team has nailed their formation? The Hammers.
• Why can’t you play soccer in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs.
• How do soccer players stay so cool during matches? They stand near the fans…